JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY October 31, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

Raining and cold. Happy Halloween! Perfect weather.

This morning some Halloween Links, and Jokes. Catch you tomorrow morning.

Jim

Last week for my Halloween Jukebox. Glad you enjoyed!

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This weeks Funny Graphics. Please keep sending them to me.

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Last week for my Halloween web page

http://jhurray.com/HTML/Holidays/Halloween/Halloween2014.htm

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Thanks Jack

Herman Munster on Ham

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-8RItOZE30

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Thanks Babe

Graveyard Golf (This one will keep you busy – Jim)

http://www.halloweenmountain.com/minigolf.php

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Thanks Mark

Cat Burglar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qSLvkskXFA

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Sticky Grocery Store Prank

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsLDTYTRuAY

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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Halloween Hints

One witch told another witch, I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.

Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won’t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent.

You don’t have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Generation Gap

My five-year-old son and I were discussing some of the differences between his childhood and mine.

I pointed out that when I was young, we didn't have things such as Nintendo, cell phones, computers or digital cameras.

I realized just how huge the generation gap was when he asked me: "Did you have fruit?"

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Thanks Steve Just For Grins

The Hidden Meaning of Recruitment Ads

"Competitive salary rate" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Casual working environment" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be deadline oriented" - You will be 6 months behind on your first day.

"Some overtime required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking wide experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Requires team leadership skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

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The Glass

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"

He repeats." Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

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Thanks Alice K.

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says.........

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

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