JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY April 3, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

My Jukebox this week all Ballads

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This weeks Funny Graphics

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Response from last weeks Jokes Plus

Jim,

I liked the link; "It plays the number one song the day you were born". That was pretty neat!

Star

http://playback.fm/birthday-song

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Thanks Mark

Animal encounters on the Golf Course

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43vii7vT44I

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Thanks Frank

The Dovells – Bristol Stomp

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCOB5-E4P6Y

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Thanks Good Clean Funnies

Water in the Glass A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

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Lullaby

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Popping Ears

Aboard a flight from Los Angeles to New York, an elderly lady was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when she complained to the flight attendant that her ears were popping.

The attendant smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the flight attendant.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

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Thanks Babe

Daughter to Dad ...

TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on What app, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper. My beloved and favorite Dad, "I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dads reply.... also by texting

My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on EBay.

L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy

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Thanks Gene T

Al, a road crew supervisor in Minnesota, hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. He was skeptical about hiring Ole since he didn't have any painting background. But Ole appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day shift would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and Al got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road.

Ole was called to the supervisor's office and was asked what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I'm getting farder and farder avay from da paint can."

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