JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY March 27, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

Response to last weeks Jokes Plus

I think your pretty close with the Freddy the freeloader comparison Jim

Mark

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus/ElectMe.jpg

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My Jukebox this week some more Oldies you may remember

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This Weeks Funny Graphics

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Thanks Mark

The Rock Gag

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Thanks Jack

It plays the song that was Number One on the day you were born.

http://playback.fm/birthday-song

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Thanks Mark

Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?" "Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?" "No sir. The floor is still wet."

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Thanks Steve Just For Grins

Vote for me!

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other, "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

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Cell Phone

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

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Cleaning Advice

Every time you get the urge to clean, watch Hoarders. You may decide your house isnít that dirty after all.

When itís your turn to host a gathering and your guests ask what they can bring, tell them dark socks and low expectations.

Post a sign on your door that says: My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it.

Instead of vacuuming the sofa, just flip over the cushions. Take that, to do list!

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Diet Tips

A few friends and I were discussing diet tips.

When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, someone responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.

Another replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

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Thanks Babe

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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