JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY November 21, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

Rockers and Ballades on my Jukebox this week

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This Weeks Funny Graphics

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Itís Time to Elf Yourself

http://www.elfyourself.com/?mId=61575294.2

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I Think All Weather Forecasters work like this one Ė Jim

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkDvqQKGgDA

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Thanks Mark

Home Alone with Nana & Kaiser

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hkg_j7Hvldg

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Dog Faces

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug9V5ybP0W0

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1932 Win a Car in this Theatre

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQHy0vHL5eQ&app=desktop

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Bob Hope Christmas With The Troops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppA4qYF7ARo

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Thanks Jack

The History of Radio ( also The History of Communication Technology)

http://www.personal.psu.edu/jtk187/art2/radio.htm

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Going to School

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it.

One weekend the younger one cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it's the law. If you donít go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

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Dive Crew

As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick barge. After my dive I spent the required time in the decompression chamber, and went to bed.

Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to see the entire dive crew sitting around. I asked one colleague, dressed in his wet suit, why work had stopped.

Without looking up at me, he replied, "It's raining."

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Thanks Good Clean Funnies

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western

"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my behind look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

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PUN-ishment

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

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Thanks Steve Just For Grins

Tex

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. "I know that smart aleck," said the first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."

Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"

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Fish Story

A politician and his wife were having dinner at a fashionable restaurant. Since he was well known, a great many people stopped at their table and shook hands and spoke. Each time, the politician would tell his friends about his recent fishing trip.

After awhile his wife whispered to him, "I think it's nice that so many people stop to speak to you. And I see nothing wrong with you telling them about your fishing trip. But, each time you tell about the fish you caught, you change the size of the fish and the number. Why in the world do you do that?

"Well," he said to his wife. "I know all of those people. They are voters and I want them to trust me and take me at my word. So, I make a practice never to tell them more than I think they will believe."

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You've Got Mail

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.

So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble"?

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it"? I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

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