JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY Feburary 27, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

This weeks Jukebox some Novelty Records

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This weeks Funny Graphics

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Thanks Babe

Doggie Alarm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q_Xpo-h9z4

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Stand By Me

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741

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Thanks Mark

People are Awesome

https://www.youtube.com/embed/VWf8CXwPoqI

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The Nitty Gritty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S3Yt-NxY0E

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Current Events Quiz

http://www.pewresearch.org/quiz/the-news-iq-quiz/

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Thanks Good Clean Funnies

Malapropisms

(For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

The image of you playing Frisbee with a dog isn't so farfetched.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.

My sister has extra-century perception.

A fool and his money are some party.

Nip it in the butt.

Some viruses can lie doormat for years.

Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.

All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

Perforation is a rip off.

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Thanks Steve Just For Grins

The Results

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130

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Three Mothers

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in therapy with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"

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Thanks Good Clean Funnies

Playing Golf With a Priest

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his seven iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

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Bridal Shower

At a bridal shower, each guest was asked to introduce herself and tell everyone how she met Amber, the bride-to-be. "I met Amber while dating her brother Ron," the first young woman said. The second person gave the same answer. The third said she was Ron's current girlfriend.

An older woman was next. "It's nice to meet all of you ladies," she announced with a grin. "But I think I'd really rather meet Ron."

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Jury Exemption

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the Clerk's Office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

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