JOKES +(updated weekly)

FOR FRIDAY July 25, 2014

 

Good Friday Morning,

My Jukebox this week Oldies Mix Part 1

http://jhurray.com/mp3/jukebox.htm

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This Weeks Funny Graphics. The last photo is our Cat Tango hoping to win the Temptations Cat Food Contest.

http://jhurray.com/HTML/PictureBonus.htm

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Thanks Babe

Good Computer Tips

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoT0-2vu9m4#t=119

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Thanks John Phillips

Tree then no Tree. My Pal Shredder!

http://www.chonday.com/Videos/excamuoich2

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Thanks Babe

Baby Burp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXKxAl_uFDk#t=20

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Thanks Mark

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Word Crimes .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc

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Most Dangerous Swimsuit Model Prank

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6aWARxWdgY

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Thanks Good Clean Funnies

Car Insurance Excuses - The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

- The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

- I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

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Fine Art

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

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Thanks Thomas Ellsworth

Dog Bowl

I was shopping in a pet store when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.

"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband's inspection.

He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."

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Eye Location

One afternoon a mom was driving with her two little girls in the back seat. After a few minutes of listening to them argue, she yelled, "Knock it off, both of you!"

The older girl asked, "How did you know what we were doing?"

"Mommies have eyes in the back of their heads." was the reply.

A few weeks later, the gang was again out driving, doing some errands. "Mommy," one girl asked innocently, "do you still have eyes in the back of your head?"

"Of course I do," the mom responded. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," she said, pointing to the object in her hands, "I thought maybe you could read us this book while you drive."

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Thanks You Make Me Laugh

Impressions

A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

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A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

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Thanks Jack

"A technician went to his customer's house and found that the monitor had to be replaced.

The customer immediately freaked out and got very upset at the technician. He wondered why as he put the monitors back down.

Then she blurted out in a shaky voice, 'You can't take that monitor, and all of my data is in there!'

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Thanks Steve Just For Grins

Jury Duty

My town takes jury selection very seriously.

So much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.

It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain."

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